An Eager Heart

It’s called an eager heart.

One that stops and starts whenever a new boy enters the room,

Wondering if he will be the one for you,

It makes you want.

Makes you swoon.

Makes your skin hot.

Makes your belt loose.

Makes you lose

Your self-assured stance

And your solidarity in your solitude.

It makes you move

Lost-like and lonely,

Like you’ll always be this way,

Way down, steadily falling crest-first into:

It’s called a hole.

Each one of us has in our eager hearts

Like a lost puzzle piece,

Cruelly one of a kind,

Fit to fit something perfect,

To seal with steam and heat

Off the lips off his kiss in a brisk November breeze.

It makes us weak.

Makes us seem less.

Makes us be more than the risk of loss.

Makes us bold

For moments that could redefine the rest.

Makes us cut across the room,

Across the crowd,

And catch his eye

Like a tiger lily,

Daring and delicate

As the breath it takes to say:

"Hello.

I saw you and the din dimmed down,

Hushed and slowed

In a knowing glow,

Like I knew you before

In a former life when I loved you, and I could.

I have.
I already do."

It’s called when it’s called for,

And it hurts like hell to put on a brave face

And fake being whole in one half,

Because you are...

And you are not.

And I hold the hope for each and every eager heart of you

For one day when the two will be the same,

For you who won’t simply settle

For just any new boy
Who enters the room...

Slow Going

I didn’t realize how big the boulder of my life was ‘til I tried to move it.

Holy shit it’s heavy.

I’m not strong enough to move it all at once, apparently,

So I gotta take it a little bit at a time,

Like Sisyphus,

Once I get some momentum, it might be momentous

But in the meantime, just for now, inertia is slow, slow going.

Gotta get a place

Need a job

Need new friends

Need ends to meet ends

Check, check, check, check

Need cell phones

Student loans

Make a house a home with

Water,

Electricity,

Gas bills,

Groceries

Up hill climbing all the way to the bank.

Drop my savings at the teller in quarters

To watch them roll away down the gas tank.

This goes on month after month for forever

If I'm lucky,

Like some days, I feel so good, like, I finally understand

Those years of shit-storms weathered were worth it, were necessary

To bring me to this perfect place I couldn’t possibly have planned.

Only to have a tomorrow so catastrophically awful that it proves, simultaneously,

Life is both random and BULLSHIT.

It seems more often than not,

Whenever people let themselves get too excited about something, it falls apart.

Dreams of warm weather on white fences

Rolling down highways, top down, wind in my hair

The day to days sunny, finally,

After so long a winter,

'Til I walk out to the parking lot and find that necklace I made for him

Laid out on my motorcycle in the snow.

No goodbye.

Then I realize I have to ride that motorcycle home… in the snow.

Desert winters are harsh.

You really need your own car.

'Til you lose that car you’d been looking for for months

When it finally showed up, on Craigslist,

Clean and cute, mechanically fit, good gas mileage, and in your price range!

Only to be weaseled out from underneath you by a sleazy used car dealer looking to turn a profit.

Damn it!
You were so close that time,
Every time, to everything falling into place

Before, instead, it suddenly blows-up in your face,

And you find yourself back where you began,

At the beginning,

Only this time, distinctly more tired than you were before.

Get back on that horse.

Put some eggs in more baskets, boy,

Spring is coming.

But some days I say, “Fuck spring.”

Fuck smiling.

I wanna to be sad.
I wanna to be pissed.

I’m allowed to pout for a minute,

Shout some shit 'til there’s nothing left to cry about,

Loud and quick,

‘Til it’s quiet.

Let it out,
So I can let it in.

And begin…
Again.­­